Monday, November 19, 2007

Sumayah Jeter 1st Draft 6th period

Sumayah Jeter
November 16, 2007
Creative Writing
Leo 6th period
"It’s Just a Dream"
The trees were swaying back and forth, the winds whispered; the dark night sky was the nightmare of four scared children. It was a cold winter night and the only thing James, Mike, Tonya and Tinichia realized it that they are in a dark, spooky, scary big house. Whoever lived here played a trick on them. The doors are locked spooky noises of screams danced around the house. Loud footsteps are arriving closer and closer and closer! Their hearts are racing 100 miles per minute.
That evening around 6:00pm, James asked his mother if he can have a sleepover with his friends; Tonya, Mike, and Tinichia. James was your average jock. He played football; he had a very nice personality. Tinichia was about 5'5 long hair and is very prissy. Tonya is dark skin, with medium length hair and she is very intelligent. Mike is about 6'1 he plays basketball and he is cocky. They are all range between the age of 14-16.James mother agrees with his idea about the sleepover she also thinks it mite be fun. James, calls his friends and they asked their mother's and they said that the can attend the sleepover. They arrived around 7:35pm. They played almost every board game, and they watched almost every TV. Show that was ever made. They even saw TV. Shows from back in the day when cavemen were around. After having all that fun, they grew bored. So they made prank phone calls. One call was to a pizza shop. They ordered four large pizzas, and sixty buffalo wings. The pizza they ordered was for the one across the street. When the delivery guy arrived with the food, the lady was leaving out. So he stops her and they began arguing about who's going to pay for the food. The children laughed while looking out the window. It was this one house down the street that always attracts negative energy. It was spooky so the four friends wondered why it looked like that. It was dark, and scary. So they decided to throw rocks at it to see if someone would come out to stop them. Tension strikes them like a king cobra, when they step on the sidewalk.
While standing in front of the creepy house, this was only the beginning of a nightmare. While throwing at rocks at the door, they noticed suspicious movement and screams. Hearing these voices made them want to go in the house.
When they finally got into the house, everything seemed normal. Well at least up until the doors locked, the windows slammed shut, and then the lights went out. The sound of spooky voices whispered in the night. BAANNNNNGGGGG! CRASH! CRASH! CLICK! CLICK! These sounds began to form a series one after the then after another. About two minutes later, the flicked on and two flashlights fell out of the ceiling. James, saw a note on the left side of the room. This particular note instantly became a trap. But little did they know, the house was a maze. The first step they must take to get out was to find a way across the razor sharp, needles that lied on the right and left side of the walls. After passing through the first level, the four friends began to wonder about the difficulty about the next level. When they reached the second level they realized that it wasn’t as bad as the first one. Now that they have reached the third level, they seem very tired. Then all of sudden it began to get hot. Since Tonya had asthma, it was hard for her to breathe so she had to stay behind. James decided to stay with her so she wouldn't be alone.
"Go on without us. We will be okay." Tonya said.
"James and Tonya don't worry we will be back with help." Mike replied.
"Okay. Please hurry. I don't know how much longer she can last." James responded with a weak, soft voice that says that he is in great distress and pain.
Mike and Tinichia finally reached the end of their troubled situation. Then out of nowhere this heavy set man pops out and congratulates them.
"Our friends didn't make it. Can you help them us. Please?” Mike said.
"Sorry but I have no way of doing that!" The man responded.
"So, what does u mean?" Tinichia said.
"You heard me. We are all going to die if we don't.................................." The man voice faded.
"8...7...6...5...4...3...2....." The clock ticks.
BOOOOOOMMMM!!!!! Sounds of glass shattered. Everything went wrong. Something that was only supposed to be a joke came out to be the death of five innocent people.
James is awakend from a loud thump form his dog falling down the steps. His clothes, sheets, and bed were covered in sweat. James lied in a queen size pond. What he thought to be realistic was only a dream.

2 comments:

Leo Mullen said...

EXPOSITION
The story takes place in a old, spooky, scary house.

CONFLICT AND CLIMAX
1.
Problems that the character faces are that they are stuck in a hunted house and the only way out is to go through a maze.
2. The problem is worked out at the end of the story.
DENOUEMENT
1. The story ends by James waking up because it was a dream..
2. A suggestion to strengthen the plot is maybe adding a bit more action when the kids are in the maze. (Also, maybe change the title because it kind of gave away the story at the end.)

CHARACTERIZATION
1. The characters were James, Mike, Tonya and Tinichia They were all friends and main characters..
2. The author tells us that Tonya has asthma. Readers can tell that James is a nice person because he stayed with Tonya in her time of trouble.
3. That James is a nice person because he stayed with Tonya in her time of trouble.
4. A suggestion to strengthen the main characters would be to add a wee bit more description about the characters.

-Sheree Page

Leo Mullen said...

1.yeah the opening grab my attention.

2.yeah the author use many specific and vivid words especially at the begining

3.Yeah for example "Tension strikes them like a king cobra."

4.i think so because how James dreamed thye whole thing, but i thought they really died.

5.My favorite voice is when he woke up finding out it was all a dream.

6.Nothing i feel its ok how it is.