Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sheree Page, 6th period

Lost Locked

One Dark and gloomy Friday morning the school’s electricity went out. So everyone got out of school early except for two people, Cherri and me, Shayne. It was dark and cold inside and no way out.
BOOM! Every one jumped. “The storm’s getting really bad,” our teacher Mrs. Smith said. “I’m surprised the trees didn’t fall!” Mrs. Smith was our reading teacher with broken glasses at the tip of her pointy nose and a bad taste of fashion. She had on green capris with a purple shirt and white stripes in it. She had on a shawl with dark colors and it looked like it was hand made Cherri looked at her outfit in a nasty way, stuck her tongue out and pointed at it. “Cherri!” I said, “Don’t make fun of her. It ain’t her fault she can’t dress!” Then Cherri replied, “She ain’t only bad in fashion but she blind too. That’s probably why it looks like she got dressed in the dark.” We both laughed. The lights started to flicker. “You should be use to the dark James. There’s no electricity in a trashcan” William said. These class clowns have been best friends since the third grade.
It was suppose to be a tornado coming so the school district told us to go home early. “Every get up p…push your chairs in, come on lets go” the teacher said in a shaky voice. She was the most scared person in the room, and she was the teacher. “Is a tornado coming?” William asked. “No, your mom is,” replied James. “Well we all know your house is gonna be the first to go cause you live in a trashcan and what not,” William said. “Don’t be jealous,” James said with a straight face.
Everyone quickly made their way out of the room. As soon as we all got to the front door, I realized something. “Aww, I left my jacket in the classroom” Then I looked up at Cherri with a puppy dog face. “That’s messed up,” Cherri said. “Bye.” “Cherri, your moneys in it.” “To the classroom!” So we both raced to the classroom, thank goodness the door was unlocked. I ran quickly to my desk and, as soon as I touched my jacket, it went as black night. “AHH!” Cherri screamed in horror. “What!” I asked her hoping nothing happened to her. “Nothing, I just felt like doing that.” As we walked down the dark hallway side by side, we heard a thud. BOOM! “What was that?” Cherri whispered. “I don’t know. Let me get my cell phone out for light.” “Try calling someone.” “I’m not getting any service.” Then the phone cut off. “Aww I forgot to charge it” We stood there for a moment. “Oh yeah,” Cherri said. “I forgot I have on a glow in the dark shirt under this sweater. Hehe” “Only you,” I said. Cherri and I walked closely together as her shirt glowed dully. Then I tripped over something. It sounded hard. “What is it?” Cherri asked. “It’s a….a knife.” I dropped it on the floor. We walked a little more and saw dark red writing on the wall. It read, “I’m gonna get you.” Cherri and I started shaking. “Let’s go,” I ordered.
When we finally reached the front door, it was locked. “Come on let’s go out through the back door.” We quietly tip toed to the back door. Then we tripped over something else and fell to the floor. “Ahh! Oh my goodness! Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!” Cherri yelled. It was a dead body! We screamed and yelled all the way to the back door finding or way through the dark. All these thoughts were going through my head. Who was that? Why was she here? Where’d she come from? Who was the killer?! Then we both bumped into two people. I couldn’t believe who it was. It was William and James! “Ha, ha, ha you should have heard you guys.” William barley said because he was laughing so hard. “What was that?” Cherri yelled. “You mean the doll I got from the Halloween store?” James said. “I never took it out of my locker. “How’d yall get stuck in here?” I asked them. “James had to go to the bathroom. “Okay? You got a cell phone on you?” I asked. “I do,” William said. “I already called the cops. They told me to wait at the back door. Did you know you don’t get good service in here?” “Wait, wait,” Cherri said cutting William off. “So, you’re the ones who scared me to death with the fake writing on the wall?” “What you talkin’ bout?” James said. “The writings….on the wall….in the dark red that said ‘I’m gonna get you’. It kinda looked like blood.” “Naw, we ain’t do that.” James replied. “Then who did?” I said.
BANG! The cops bashed through the door. “Come on everybody the tornado’s coming!” the cop said. We all tried out best to get to the police car while we struggled against the wind. It was like being on a lifesaver in water. You try to go a certain way but it pulls you the way it wants you to go. We finally reached the police car and it took it to my house which was safe and a few blocks away. After the cop car called Cherri, James, And William’s parents to tell them they were safe, we started to talk about the incident that happen in school. It was alls o weird. William and James said the dummy they scared us with was a guy. Cherri and I swore we saw a girl. The hallway we saw the writing on, well William and James didn’t even go near that hall. They couldn’t of had brought a knife to school because of the metal detectors. It was all so strange.
That Monday was a beautiful day. Everyone was talking about Friday and what they saw on the news. A girl that goes to this school was murdered. No one knows why but the police said at the crime scene they found two clues. They found a dark colored shawl and broken glasses.

5 comments:

Leo Mullen said...

KYLE SANDERS
NOVEMBER 28, 2007

1.The opening was ok it kept me thinking whats going to be so scary about his story.

2.Yeah u alot of specific, vivid phrases to see what going on in the story.

3.Yeah for example when she telling what the teacher had on and her crack glasses

4.yeah because i want to know what had happen to the teacher

5.Probably at the end when they findout what had really happen in the school

6.I couldn't say nothing because the story seem perfect to me.

Leo Mullen said...

Exposition
1. One dark and gloomy Friday morning in Anne Frank Middle school
2.
Conflict and Climax
1. Being stuck in the school during a power out.
2. When the two girls bump into the two boys and they said they already called the cops.
Denouement
1. It ends by telling the reader what clues the cops found at the crime scene.
2. You should make the main character bump into the teacher and make the teacher ask her and her friend if the seen her shawl and glasses.
Characterization
1. Cherri and Shayne were best friends Cherri was rude while Shayne is quiet and shy.
2. It doesn’t tell us anything directly.
3. She wines to get what she wants.
4. The story should have more of a description of the main characters
Jose Ruiz

Leo Mullen said...

EXPOSITION
1. WHEN/WHERE DOES THIS STORY TAKE PLACE?
2. WHAT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE?

CONFLICT AND CLIMAX
1. WHAT PROBLEMS DOES THE CENTRAL CHARACTER FACE?
2. WHEN DO YOU LEARN HOW THE PROBLEM IS WORKED OUT?

DENOUEMENT
1. HOW DOES THE STORY END?
2. SUGGEST AN EXTRA SCENE TO STRENGTHEN THE PLOT.

CHARACTERIZATION
1. WHO ARE THE CHARACTERS INVOLVED IN THE STORY? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEIR ROLES?
2. DIRECT CHARACTERIZATION: WHAT DOES THE AUTHOR TELL US "DIRECTLY" ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST (MAIN CHARACTER) FROM HIS OR HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND PERSONALITY?
3. INDIRECT CHARACTERIZATION: WHAT DO WE LEARN "INDIRECTLY" ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST FROM WHAT HE OR SHE SAYS (DOES)? WHAT DO WE LEARN ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST FROM WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT HIM OR HER?
4. SUGGEST AN ADDED DETAIL TO STRENGTHEN THE DESCRIPTION OF ONE MAJOR OR MINOR CHARACTER

Leo Mullen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leo Mullen said...

EXPOSITION
1. WHEN/WHERE DOES THIS STORY TAKE PLACE?This story takes place at school.

CONFLICT AND CLIMAX
1. WHAT PROBLEMS DOES THE CENTRAL CHARACTER FACE? Being locked in a school all by themselves.
2. WHEN DO YOU LEARN HOW THE PROBLEM IS WORKED OUT? At the end when the cops come to rescue them.

DENOUEMENT
1. HOW DOES THE STORY END? The story ends by the main characters being helped by the cops after they found a dead body.
2. SUGGEST AN EXTRA SCENE TO STRENGTHEN THE PLOT. Everthing is okay there is no scene that needs help.

CHARACTERIZATION
1. WHO ARE THE CHARACTERS INVOLVED IN THE STORY? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THEIR ROLES? There are two friends Cherri and Shayne they are two students who are trap in a school.
2. DIRECT CHARACTERIZATION: WHAT DOES THE AUTHOR TELL US "DIRECTLY" ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST (MAIN CHARACTER) FROM HIS OR HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND PERSONALITY? Cherri has a good sesne of humor, and Shayne is a nice person.
3. INDIRECT CHARACTERIZATION: WHAT DO WE LEARN "INDIRECTLY" ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST FROM WHAT HE OR SHE SAYS (DOES)? WHAT DO WE LEARN ABOUT THE PROTAGONIST FROM WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT HIM OR HER? That Cherri plays too much. She scared Shayne while they were in the classroom.
4. SUGGEST AN ADDED DETAIL TO STRENGTHEN THE DESCRIPTION OF ONE MAJOR OR MINOR CHARACTER. I think the story should have a little bit more sensory detail.



Sumayah Jeter
12/2/07