Augustus Johnson
Creative writing
On may six two thousand an seven my grand-father requested all the family to report to roxborough hospital to give us the news that my grandmother was only given two to three weeks to live. She was diagnose with stomach cancer and there was nothing more that the doctors would be able to do for her. At that point the family was devastated and was willing to do all they could to help out. At this point all they could do was send my grand-mom and call every other day to see if she was still alive. Now the doctors said my grand-mom two to three weeks to live but she proved them wrong. The time was going by very slowly and my grand-mom was suffering but there was nothing we could do. It had now been four weeks and my grand-mom was still alive but she was bed ritten, she couldn’t even open her eyes, she needed help to eat or drink and she couldn’t talk but one thing she could do was listen. She knew who was there by listening to us when we tried to talk to her. Now although we knew she couldn’t talk to us we knew she was listening through the signs she gave you, like she would crack a little smile and try to blink her eyes but this one night there was only silence in my grand-moms room.
It was quiet upstairs and talk downstairs because me, grand-pop, dad, and uncle Herb were talking about all the good times we had with my grand-mom but it was quiet upstairs because my grand-mom was sleep. While we were all talking my dad said
A I’m gonna go upstairs with mom to see how she’s doing.
Ok then.
We replied.
So as my dad went upstairs we continued laughing and talking about the good times with my grand-mom until my dad came running downstairs and said
A Herb come here.
Then my uncle went running upstairs while me and my grand-pop tried to stay calm but I just had to go see what was going on. So I went upstairs in my grand-moms room and I see my dad with his back turned to her with tears rolling down his face. Then I said
What’s going on? Is grand-mom ok…..
She’s gone.
My uncle replied.
Old mama is gone.
My uncle said.
Then all I could think to myself was my grand-moms gone and there isn’t any bringing her back now. Then I looked at her hands and they were turning blue so I rubbed my hands with her hands but no warmth ness came from that so I gave her a kiss and we all looked at her with tears rolling down our face. Now since the lost of my grand-mom I always say it doesn’t matter if it’s a gem or a jewel but always make sure you treat it like a special thing that you never want to lose and that you will always cherish.
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4 comments:
Gus Johnson
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1. In his opening that grabs my attention is when he said his grandma got only 2-3 more weeks to live. It draws me more into the narrative by wanting to get into more details and she if she actually live that long.
2. The author doesn't use specific, vivid phrases.
3. Yes the author does.
Examples: 1. At that point the family was "devastated" and was willing to do all they could to help out.
4. Yes the narrative does have an inventive ending because the author use his own quote saying to make the ending inventive.
5. My favorite part from the story is the very ending when the authore quotes his own quote.
6. I think this narrative can be improved by using vivid phrases and more vivid verbs, to get the story very more detailed.
- Dina Pin.
Peer Review Questions:
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?
The narrative doesn’t really grab my attention.
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
The author does not use vivid phrases.
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
No. The author does not use vivid verbs.
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
I really don’t know.
5. What was your favorite part?
The story is sad so I don’t have a favorite part, but it was good.
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions.
Just don’t use run on sentences and be more specific.
the second peer review question was from Diamond Rosario.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 3
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 2
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 3
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
1111111111111111
-5
77.5%
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