Chardae Jenkins
I rushed out of the hospital doors crying. It couldn’t be true, I just seen him yesterday. My mom ran after me saying “Come on lets go” but I wasn’t ready to go. I stood there with my eyes big and puffy, this was just unbelievable. All of my friends and family were now outside the hospital crying hysterically. His mother came outside wearing her work uniform, with so much hurt in her eyes. We couldn’t believe the doctors words. My cousin who was only seventeen years old, about to graduate from high school was gone, just that fast.
My telephone rang “Chardae, I think Malik just got shot in his head” my cousin said. It was Malik’s sister on the phone. She said she was going around the corner to see what had happened to her little brother. An half an hour later she told me that the ambulance had came and he had gotten shot one time in his head. I then rushed down my steps and told my mother we had to hurry and go to the hospital to see what was going on.
When we arrived at the hospital, it was so over crowded. Everyone was waiting for the doctor to come and give us the news. While waiting Malik’s older brother became very frustrated, trying to punch holes in the hospital walls. My uncle told him he needed to remain strong for his mother’s sake. Everyone continued to wait around silently. Some people waited inside the waiting area, while others preferred to stand outside. Finally, the tall and slim doctor came out and said that Malik’s heart had stopped two times, but they were still trying to keep him alive. When we got that information a lot of us started to cry, because that surely wasn’t a good sign. The doctor came out again and asked to speak to his mother in private. When Joan returned she informed us that her youngest child was gone.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
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6 comments:
chardae i really like this stor especially because i can relate to it. i love the begining middle and end good job.
Dezzie
I liked the story. I really liked the opening because it grabed my attention right away. I also liked when you desribe things in your story. nice work.
Julius
good job Char. You used alot of descriptive language.
Shana
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?
When you said that you rushed out the hospital doors crying.
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
waiting to give us the news.
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
When you said big, puffy eyes.
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
The ending was good and kind of deep.
5. What was your favorite part?
My favorite part was when you talked about your eyes being big and puffy from the crying.
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions.
none
Julius
Chardae,
You got the emotion of the event across very well. I feel like it was a bit rushed. More details would only serve to strengthen the narrative..
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 4
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 3
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 2
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
-5
80%
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