Sheron Gardner
October 18, 2007
Creative Writing
New York
New York
On September 5, 2006 my and my family went to Las Vegas on a family vacation. When we got to the airport we had to go throw the metal detctor that took about 20 to 25 minutes. After that we went up stairs and me and my sister went right to the food court to get something to eat. When we got on the plain we sat down and put our set bales on then my mom said “ take this piece of gum so your ears want start to hurt”. Our plan ride was about five in a have hours that was the longest I every sat down. When the captains said, “ we will be landing in about 20 minutes and he said if you look to your left you can see Las Vegas” it was dark so we could see he lights very well. It was so bright you could see all the hotel lights. After we landed we went to our hotel the Circles circle hotel. Our hotel was like a big circle it had little shows, clowns just walking around but every time I seen a clown I would close my eyes because I was afraid of clowns at that time. That night we just toured our hotel, the next day was the day we toured all of Las Vegas.
We walked like 5 miles in till I seen the New York, New York hotel. When I seen that rollercoaster my mouth dropped all I could say was OH MY GOD. The rollercoaster was so big and so many sharp turns, and so many loops and all you could here was loud screaming. My dad said “lets get on it looks so fun lets get on”. First I said “are you crazy I’m not getting on that do you see it NO I’m not getting on”. Then I felt bad because my dad really wanted to get on so I said come on I’ll get on with you. That was the worst thing I could do. When we got on my dad wanted to sit right in the front so I sat in the front with him. I got on and put the seat belt on and the lady said lets get ready to ride. It went up so slow soon as it got to the top it kept you up there for like a minute you could see all of Las Vegas then out of no where it dropped and my heart to it was so fast I wanted to cry but I was being a solider when it was over all I could say was I’m still alive that’s how bad the rollercoaster was, I told my dad I can’t believe I got on this with you never again. After that we went back to the hotel and got something to eat
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
thanks sheron gardner(bunny) yours is 2
LOVE B M
Peer Review Questions:
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative? It” when she gave a lot of details about the plane ride and what it looked like when she got there and what she saw and how it looked.
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples. The rollercoaster was so big and so many sharp turns, and so many loops and all you could here was loud screaming, It went up so slow soon as it got to the top it kept you up there for like a minute you could see all of Las Vegas then out of no where it dropped and my heart to it was so fast I wanted to cry but I was being a solider when it was over all I could say was I’m still alive that’s how bad the rollercoaster was, I told my dad I can’t believe I got on this with you never again
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples. I did not find any
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain. Yes because a the end she keep on telling you about the fun she had and how scared she was to get on the rollercoaster.
5. What was your favorite part? My favorite part was when she was scared to get on the rollercoaster
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions. You could improve by adding some more details about everything
YOURS TRULY ~ *ASMIRA*~ AKA B.M
1) I like the authors opening because it’s simple and
clean.
2) Nice use of simple and direct verbs such as “sit
down” and
3) I think the author has an inventive ending. I liked
it.
4) My favorite part was with the rollercoaster and
what she said to her dad.
5) I think this story could be improved by using more
dialogue. I would of wanted hear more conversations
throughout the story.
-Dan NICE STORY
#1The part that I like, is when she talks about how she felt after her little accident! And that really grab my attention a lot.
#2 Well you might want to add a little more description of what you are saying, so that we as readers can picture more of what you are saying, rather than just telling us about it.
#3 you use vivid words like for example, how you sat for a long time in the airplane, I like that because I had to go through something like that too. So that was a good one!
#4 In a way you had a nice and simple ending, That is one I would end my story.
#5 I guess my favorite part would be the ending, because you all went to eat, and you didn’t tell what you got to eat. So you leave it to our imagination, and I like that, “NICE”.
#6 If I were you I would just describe with more vivid words what I saw and felt in the place! But other than that I really like it…………….
Maribel !!………
Post a Comment