It was a hot, sweaty July 4, 2007. Early in the morning my aunt, her crazy friends, and I were at seven-eleven to pack up on delicious food for our road trip to Maryland. We were going in to two stable cars and there were probably 16 of us altogether. The car I was in it was nine of us and the rest are in the other car.
This four hour car ride was scary for me because I was in a car full of people I didn’t even know. They seem all nice but at the same time I know they were all weird and crazy. Throughout the ride, everything went out smooth and nothing strange had happened….well not yet at least. Half throughout the road trip we stopped for bathroom break. While we waited for everyone to be done, my aunt friends started to act outrageously crazy. Although they’re like over 20 years old, they still act childish at heart. They guys played with shopping carts and fooled around until it were time for us to get back on the road.
Two long hours later after the bathroom break, we were finally in Maryland. My aunt’s boyfriend was trying to get to Ocean City, Maryland, though we had got lost and couldn’t find our way there. So he just decided to go straight in center Maryland where the beach, hotels, and other adventuress stuff are at. The first place we went to was the crowded, hot beach. It was hard for us to find a nice little spot to place our stuff at, eventually after a while we had found a spot. Once we got in the cold, salty water, I was shivering like crazy! I had goose bumps and my teeth were shivering from the coldness.
We were at the beach for a bit and after we got tired of it, we decided to get cleaned up and walk around the boardwalk, which was more crowded! The first place we went to on the boardwalk was the colorful pink candy shop. It was full of so much delicious looking candy that I wanted to buy all. They were too expensive though, so my aunt just bought her friend Nancy, herself, and I chocolate cover strawberries on a stick. It was so good, that I craved for another, but I had no money and I didn’t bother asking for another.
On the boardwalk, I saw many entertainers, who were entertaining people who were passing by for some spare change. Some interesting entertainers were a break dancer, a magician, a belly dancer, and etc. They had very good talent… I was impressed how they really wanted to earn money. After watching them, we all went to the arcades and carnival to play the exciting games where you when cool, awesome prizes. Then when we ran out of money, we would cruise around the boardwalk through the gloomy, beautiful clear skied night.
After about nine o’ clock, everyone decided to go home. We wanted to see the beautiful fireworks, but it started to drizzle and it was postponed until tomorrow. On the car ride, everyone was exhausted, but in some way my aunt friends still had a side of them that was always energetic. I tried to sleep throughout the car ride, but it was impossible! My aunt friend name Pai, kept poking me and pulling my hair, which was outrageously annoying. Then that’s when him, my aunts other friends, Phil, and Lina started to complain that they were hungry. Then I realize like after a minute or so, I was the only one who had food, and unfortunately so did they. Pai had asked for my sour cream and onion chip, I gave it to him because of course I’m nice and not greedy.
Phil had noticed what I did, and said, “hey what about me?”. I had Ritz crackers and sour patches left so I gave him the Ritz crackers. Lina, Pai, and Phil ate the chips and crackers all in 5 minutes! As soon they were done, they asked they can have my sour patches. I didn’t want to say no, so I gave it to them. Surprisingly they couldn’t finish it because it was too sour for them! So they gave it back and said thanks but they can’t finish it because they couldn’t handle it.
When it hit around 11, my aunt called me and told my mom was worrying why I’m not home yet. So I had to call my aunt, the one I was with, but was in the other car and tell her to call my mom and explain the situation. In like 45 minutes we finally reached into South Philadelphia. My aunt boyfriend drove me home first, since I was the only one who lives in South Philadelphia and the rest in Southwest Philly. When we reached in front of my house, we all said our goodbyes as if we were all good friends. As soon as I got into the house, and into my room I went right to sleep. It was a long, fun, and adventurist day and I’m glad I decided to go.
Monday, October 22, 2007
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2 comments:
Peer Review Questions:
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?
The story didn’t grab my attention. Just add more excitement.
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
The author uses vivid phrases such as:
“I had goose bumps and my teeth were shivering from the coldness”.
“The first place we went to on the boardwalk was the colorful pink candy shop”.
“…we would cruise around the boardwalk through the gloomy, beautiful clear skied night”.
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
No. Just add more excitement into your words.
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
Well… The author just talks about how adventurous the day was and how glad the author was for going. All you need to do is just use something you would think someone else would not use and be creative.
5. What was your favorite part?
My favorite part is the boardwalk.
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions.
It can be improved with more lively words and more excitement. The story is good though.
the first peer review questions was from DIAMOND ROSARIO.
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