Briana Poteat
October 23,2007
Creative Writing
A Halloween Horror
A dark, gloomy, October night there stood two terrified, afraid kids. Alone in the middle of nowhere, a day that was so good turned into something bad. Just a minute ago I was with my dad girlfriend and she just disappeared. Me and my brother just standing there looking but we couldn’t seem to figure anything out. It was October 31, Halloween day and we were all geared up to go trick or treating and waiting for my dad’s girlfriend to come. Beep, beep, “Newt and Briana come on hurry up.” We tumbled out of the house as a spinning washing machine, forgetting the most important thing (our bags to put candy in). We started driving, and driving, and driving until we finally reached our destination. We parked the car, got out and started trick or treating. We would race to peoples house door and get the candy too. About three to four hours had passed and we were on our third bag. She told us “I’ll be back, I’m going to get my car because my feet hurt she said say right here until I get back. We waited for about three minutes what seems forever but as kids we grew impatient and begin trick or treating but returned to where she told us to stand. We stood there for ten minutes which turned into twenty. While standing there some older white lady came up to me and my brother and was like “come in my house so we can take a picture I do this every year, me and my husband enjoy it, then afterwards you can get a bag of candy. I replied “no thank you me and my brother are ok and waiting for someone.” Instead she asked three times not hearing us so to get her to shut up so we went. There were kids a bunch of other kids there, all the doors were open and all of the lights were on. She said “ but first ask your mother”, then I thought to myself ( I would if I knew where she was at). The ten minutes in the house was like hell with old people and smell like corn chips. We went outside to see if see if she arrived no sign of her then we begin to get worried. After about 45 minutes she was riding in a car with some guy in the driver’s seat with a dog in her lap talking about some “Briana, Newt there yall go” and her high-pitched voice sounded so annoying at that time we were ready to smack the dusk off her. By that time we were ready to go home and tell my dad. We asked her who he was and she went to highschool with. However he droved us to where her car was parked then she drove us to WaWa to get a hoagie with a coupon that somebody gave us that day. From that day on I am terrified to go trick or treated somebody gave I don’t know or someone I can’t trust.
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5 comments:
Kevin Forge
10/24/07
1. The opening that grabs my attention is that it started has a gloomy night and that sounds a little scary and I like scary stories.
2. yes, the author uses specific details in her narrative. The three examples are “ a dark, gloomy October, two afraid kids and all gered up to go trick or treating”
3. yes the author uses vived verbs. They are tumbled, impatient, and terrified
4. The narrator kind of have an inventing ending of how it pretty much summed up the whole story
5. my favorite part was when they were done trick or treating and the lady toke them in but im happy that she didn’t do what she sound like doing.
6. the story could be improved by having more action and more details
1. The opening grabed my attention because she says that they're just standing there and her dads girl friend dissapered.
2. A. A dark, gloomy, October night there stood two terrified, afraid kids.
B. We parked the car, got out and started trick or treating.
C. We tumbled out of the house as a spinning washing machine, forgetting the most important thing (our bags to put candy in).
3. A. We would race to peoples house door and get the candy too.
B. We stood there for ten minutes which turned into twenty.
C. There were kids a bunch of other kids there, all the doors were open and all of the lights were on.
4. Yes! Because she tells how she is terrified to go trick or treating and that she will go with someone she trust.
5. My favorite part was when she said that the old lady kept asking her to come in the house.
6. I think that she should put more decriptions in the story.
(X_Sharnise Dozier_)
1. The opening grabs my attention because it says, " A dark, gloomy, October night”
2. The author does uses vivid phrases so I can picture the scene, like A dark, gloomy, October night, or when she said, It was October 31, Halloween day and we were all geared up to go trick or treating and waiting for my dad’s girlfriend to come. Another one was when she wrote, “Briana, Newt there yall go” and her high-pitched voice sounded so annoying.”
3. She used words like, disappeared, tumbled, and spinning washing machine.
4. I think the author had a good ending. I liked it.
5. My favorite part of the story was when she talked about how her dad’s girlfriend voice sounded annoying. Because my mom have that same voice.
6. I think the story was good. I think she should have talked more of how they felt when their dad’s girl left them.
xoxo_____shai-shai
Briana Poteat
October 23,2007
Creative Writing
A Halloween Horror
A dark, gloomy, October night there stood two terrified, afraid kids. Alone in the middle of nowhere, a day that was so good turned into something bad. Just a minute ago I was with my dad girlfriend and she just disappeared. Me and my brother just standing there in a totally different of town,everything looking different and no to turn to looking but we couldn’t seem to figure anything out. It was October 31, Halloween day and we were all geared up to go trick or treating and waiting for my dad’s girlfriend to come I was a nun with a friendly saying that said "nun of your business" and my brother was a ninja turtle all tight in that polyester brand costume. Beep, beep, “Newt and Briana come on hurry up a voice yelled coming from the gold dodge.” We tumbled out of the house as a spinning washing machine, forgetting the most important thing (our bags to put candy in). We started driving, and driving, and driving until we finally reached our destination. We parked the car, got out and started trick or treating. We would race to peoples house door and get the candy too. while walking we seen so many nice decorations and pretty things which we never see because nobody in the hood ever go all out for halloween maybe on Christmas. About three to four hours had passed and we were on our third bag, they were so heavy and looked so good as good enough to eat but not until they got checked. She told us “I’ll be back, I’m going to get my car because my feet hurt she said say right here until I get back when she said that I hesaited because she had to remember the street she parked her car on which she wasnt going to remember and earlier we asked her where the car was and she said she couldnt remember the street. We waited for about three minutes what seems forever but as kids, we grew impatient and begin trick or treating but returned to where she told us to stand. We stood there for ten minutes which turned into twenty. While standing there some older white lady came up to me and my brother and was like “come in my house so we can take a picture I do this every year, me and my husband enjoy it, then afterwards you can get a bag of candy. I replied “no thank you me and my brother are ok and waiting for someone.” Instead she asked three times not hearing us so to get her to shut up so we went. There were kids a bunch of other kids there, all the doors were open and all of the lights were on. She said “ but first ask your mother”, then I thought to myself ( I would if I knew where she was at). The ten minutes in the house was like hell with old people and smell like corn chips all we did was take pictures looked at old pictures and danced. We went outside to see if see if she arrived no sign of her then we begin to get worried. After about 45 minutes she was riding in a car with some guy in the driver’s seat with a dog in her lap talking about some “Briana, Newt there yall go” and her high-pitched voice sounded so annoying at that time we were ready to smack the dusk off her. By that time we were ready to go home and tell my dad. We asked her who he was and she said somebody she went to highschool with. However he droved us to where her car was parked then she drove us to WaWa to get a hoagie with a coupon that somebody gave us that day. From that day on I am terrified to go trick or treating with somebody I don’t know or someone I can’t trust and remember to always be aware of your sorrounding, dont talk to strangers, remember where the street the car is on and be safe.
Briana,
You have a good story here. However, there are many problems with grammar and punctuation, and this takes away from your narrative.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 3
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 3
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 3
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
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-5
80%
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