Bang-Bang is all I hear after I saw the flash of light coming from the barrow of one of the two guns. It about six o-clock and I am bored out of my mind and just as I was about to just go to sleep my cell phone rings. It was my friend Ron, telling me to come out side because he had to tell me something. Ron lives right across the street from me so it took him no time to be at my front door. When I came out I asked him like I was angry what was so important that I had to come outside and hear. Really thinking in the back of my head that I was happy as hell because I was so bored in the house.
So we sat on the step and he told me this whole story about what had happened the day before to these boys around my way. The story was basically about them fighting these other boys who lived not to far away from us. This as he was finishing the story one of the boys who were involved walked up and said what’s up to me and Ron. Then of course me being the person I am I asked Mark, what happened but he didn’t say anything. Then before you knew we were talking about girls and how some of them are gold diggers .
I look at my cell phone and notice it’s eight o-clock and that was getting a little cold outside so I told Ron and Mark that, I would be right back I was going to get a hoodie. We I was coming out of door I saw this gray car with tinted windows ride up my block. The thing was I had noticed that same car a few times early that day but didn’t say anything. So when I sat back on the steps I said something about the car, and my friends said they had noticed it to. I said who do you think it is, Mark said its probably one of them village niggers. With that said your right you know they don’t have a lives, Ron laughed and shook his head agreeing with me.
I notice two males coming around the corner out of the corner of my eye but never really pay full attention to them until it was to late. I look up and see two guns point from across the street at me, Ron and Mark. Then Mark turns around from were he was sitting in front of my porch in and, looks and that’s when I see the flash of light from the gun. Right after that first shoot, Mark was grabbing, Ron and in the same motion pushing me further back on the steps by falling on me. While Mark and Ron got off me, and went for my front door, I could feel the metal from the bullets after it hit my brick wall and shattered falling on me. By the time we got in the house the shooting was over, but you could tell my friend Mark that. I say that because when we got in the house he didn’t get off the floor until he got to the back of my house.
After everything happened my friend Mark was so scared he move from around were we lived and he even went as far as to cut his hair he had braids. I also found out that what ever kinds of guns that the two males had they empted their clips on us mean they empted their guns of all the bullets.
I later discover all the bullets house in my house and that one of the bullets that could have killed us could have killed my neighbor. From what the cops told my mom and dad the bullet went throw the couch he was lying on and missed his head by a couple of inches. That’s not the crazies thing that happened the cops ever find out who did it. With that said I have a bit of advice always pay attention to your surroundings and never second guess yourself.
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5 comments:
Peer Review Questions:
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
5. What was your favorite part?
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions.
Lamont Johnson
1. “Bang-Bang is all I hear after I saw the flash of light coming from the barrow of one of the two guns.” I believe that this was a very good way to start off your essay because it has an attention grabbing opening statement. It makes you want to read more.
2. I loved the story I just think that you could have used more details because it does seem like you are just telling me the story.
3.Yes, but you need more examples. 1. Right after that first shoot, Mark was grabbing, Ron and in the same motion pushing me further back on the steps by falling on me. 2. From what the cops told my mom and dad the bullet went throw the couch he was lying on and missed his head by a couple of inches.
4. Yes because you ended it with good advice but no because you could’ve made it more inventive.
5. My favorite part was when you said that your friend was so scared that he cut his hair and moved away. I thought that part was hilarious.
6. Lamont you just need to add more details so that it doesn’t seem like your telling the story. Make me live in the moment.
wow lamont im happy that ur safe and sound be careful out there.
Dezzie
Anabel
1.) The first two words “Bang-Bang” catches my attention to want to know what is going on.
2.) Yes, “Ron laughed and shook his head agreeing with me.” And, “I look up and see two guns point from across the street at me, Ron and Mark.” Lastly, “While Mark and Ron got off me, and went for my front door, I could feel the metal from the bullets after it hit my brick wall and shattered falling on me.” But there could have been more, like when you were explaining the stories being told to you, you could have put some dialogue and actually had him tell you the story or something.
3.) Yes, “I was coming out of door I saw this gray car with tinted windows ride up my block,” “laughed and shook,” and “Mark was grabbing, Ron and in the same motion pushing me.”
4.) Not really, you could have done something more original than give out advice. I think you should get rid of that sentence and end it with the one before that. Like, “The craziest thing about it is the cops never found out who did it.” I think that leaves an impression on your audience more.
5.) My favorite part was when you were explaining how your friend Mark was still scared after the incident. It’s kind of sad, but you made it so funny.
6.) Just fix the typos and maybe explain things a bit more in the beginning before the shooting. Try to make it sound like it was a completely normal day until that, or foreshadow more or something so it moves along smoothly more.
Melinda G.
1. I really like your intro, it caught my attention instantly and made me want to know waht was happening
2. The story was good but you could've used more detail
"When I was coming out of the door I saw this gray car with tinted windows ride up my block."
"I look at my cell phone and notice it's eight o'clock and that it is getting a little cold outside..."
3. Yes, some.
"Right after that first shot Mark was grabbing, Ron and in the same motion pushing me further back on the steps by falling on me."
"...after it hit my brick wall and shattered falling on me."
4. Not too creative but helpful/informative and people can relate
5. I like the part where yall randomly start talking about girls being gold diggers, my brothers talk about that alot
6. more detail
Lamont,
It is a gun barrel not barrow.
Leo
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