Nashai Catlett
Haiti
Daddy! I zoomed over and jumped on my dad, so hard I knocked him over and we both fell on the dust filled ground. I was ten years old, I remember because that year I was going to the fifth grade. It was the summertime, I don’t remember the exact date, but it was July and I was visiting my dad in Haiti. It was really hot and I had just got off the airplane. When were headed to my to my dad’s house in Portaprince, we had to get on this weird bus. It was nothing like Philly’s buses. There were no septa. The bus was small and it didn’t have any windows. The doors were not automatic like ours; you had to open them manually. Through the whole ride all my dad kept saying is how much he missed me. It was annoying but I understood, because I haven’t seen him since I was six years old.
Being in Haiti, at first, was so sickening because it was so hot, and I wound up getting sick because I wasn’t use to the hot temperature. But as the days went by it got better. We went to beach and swam in the salty water and drunk tall glasses of coca-cola bottles. We ate lots of ox-tales, planters and drank a lot of yahoo’s. We had these types of sugary, plants. They were called sugar canes. And depending how you ate them they were either good or nasty. I must’ve not of been eating it right, because those things were disgusting! Yeah, I remember everything like the back pf my hand.
One thing I won’t forget is the poor part of Haiti. You think Philly is bad, come down to Haiti, it’s a whole new ball game. It’s like those Feed The Children commercials. It’s really sad. The houses are basically cement built in a gigantic rectangle. There was no electricity, and kids were walking around with no clothes and only fountains to wash in.
I remember being upset about my shirt being dirty. It was really crazy because a little boy came up to me and said, “What’s wrong Cherie, why are you so sad?” I told him about my wardrobe malfunction and he just laughed. “Ha”, he just laughed. I didn’t understand why until he said, “ Well, at least you have clothes” and walked away. I felt real stupid. I’m crying over a dirty shirt, which I can wash and there are kids out in Haiti who don’t have any clothes. That was four years ago, and I think I’ve changed since then. I appreciate more of the little things now.
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5 comments:
this story was poppin.......
love charnice b
1.the part of the opening that grabed my attention was the part about when she talked about the dusty ground.
2.yes she does use vivid phraseswent to beach and swam in the salty water and drunk tall glasses of coca-cola bottles.The bus was small and it didn’t have any windows. The doors were not automatic like ours; you had to open them manually,houses made from cement built in a gigantic rectangle open them
3.yes she does use some vivid verbs I zoomed over and jumped on my dad,kids were walking around with no clothes, those were the only quotes.
4.yes she does have a inventive ending because she talks about a lesson she has learned from this experience.
5.my favorite part was when the little bot laughs when she says her shirt was dirty.
6.this narrative could be improved by using more sensory detail and verbs however it is stll a good essay
by briana
1. The narrator really grabbed my attentin because it seems like a happy moment for her. it seems like she just seen her dad after a long time.
2. A. I zoomed over and jumped on my dad, so hard I knocked him over and we both fell on the dust filled ground.
B. It was really hot and I had just got off the airplane.
C. The bus was small and it didn’t have any windows.
3. A. The doors were not automatic like ours; you had to open them manually.
B. We went to beach and swam in the salty water and drunk tall glasses of coca-cola bottles.
C. I must’ve not of been eating it right, because those things were disgusting!
4. I loved the ending it was so creative and that really makes you value things in life.
5. My favorite part in the story was when she was talking to the little boy it was just a lesson to learn from there.
6. The thing she could use more is just more descriptions but other than that i loved her story.
(x_Sharnise Dozier_)
Kevin Forge
Yes the opening grabs my attention because it seemed like it wa s a beginning of a movie
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
“I zoomed over” “ I knocked him over” “drunk tall grasses”
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
“zoomed” “gigantic” “malfunction”
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
Yes because the whole story was a while back and she had learned afrom when she went to Haiti and I think that it was very inventing.
5. my favorite part of the story was when she realized that there were kids that are in really bad neighborhoods and then she said “you think philly is bad, come down to Haiti.” From hearing that I guess im really happy for me to live in Philadelphia.
6 I think her story was very good and I wont change nothing about it.
Nashai,
Some good details. I would have liked more details about the food.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 3
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 3
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 3
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
-5
80%
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