Sheron Gardner
October 18, 2007
Creative Writing
New York
New York
On September 5, 2006 my and my family went to Las Vegas on a family vacation. When we got to the airport we had to go throw the metal detctor that took about 20 to 25 minutes. After that we went up stairs and me and my sister went right to the food court to get something to eat. When we got on the plain we sat down and put our set bales on then my mom said “ take this piece of gum so your ears want start to hurt”. Our plan ride was about five in a have hours that was the longest I every sat down. When the captains said, “ we will be landing in about 20 minutes and he said if you look to your left you can see Las Vegas” it was dark so we could see he lights very well. It was so bright you could see all the hotel lights. After we landed we went to our hotel the Circles circle hotel. Our hotel was like a big circle it had little shows, clowns just walking around but every time I seen a clown I would close my eyes because I was afraid of clowns at that time. That night we just toured our hotel, the next day was the day we toured all of Las Vegas.
We walked like 5 miles in till I seen the New York, New York hotel. When I seen that rollercoaster my mouth dropped all I could say was OH MY GOD. The rollercoaster was so big and so many sharp turns, and so many loops and all you could here was loud screaming. My dad said “lets get on it looks so fun lets get on”. First I said “are you crazy I’m not getting on that do you see it NO I’m not getting on”. Then I felt bad because my dad really wanted to get on so I said come on I’ll get on with you. That was the worst thing I could do. When we got on my dad wanted to sit right in the front so I sat in the front with him. I got on and put the seat belt on and the lady said lets get ready to ride. It went up so slow soon as it got to the top it kept you up there for like a minute you could see all of Las Vegas then out of no where it dropped and my heart to it was so fast I wanted to cry but I was being a solider when it was over all I could say was I’m still alive that’s how bad the rollercoaster was, I told my dad I can’t believe I got on this with you never again. After that we went back to the hotel and got something to eat.
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1 comment:
Sheron,
You have way too many grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. These errors take away from your story. Also, I feel like the real story here was the roller coaster ride and you should have spent more time writing about that.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 1
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 2
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 2
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 2
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
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-5
68%
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