Sharnise Dozier
October 17,2007
Creative Writing
Wildwood's one best ride
"Are we there yet," the girl yelled, with the blue bathing suit top on, her
curly ponytail, some shorts and flip flops on. "No!" My aunt said. Riding on the
yellow bus with the black writing on it. Passing all the green tress and pretty
summer flowers. Coming up to the park we seen all types of rides but, my eyes were
stuck on one water ride. It was a blue tube that went around in curves, had a lot of
screws, one part had a tunnel where it looked like inside was all dark and it was so
big. Me and my cousins walked, we made no stops we went streight to the part that
said water rides with the biggest sign that had "water rides" really big. it had
designs of splashes of water, they looked 3D and the writing was in blue and black.
We walked up to the lady that sat in the chair in the booth where you collect the
bands or tickets to get on the water rides. She said,"what would you like to
purchase?" We all said bands to get on all the water rides. We got our bands and
walked over to the little white tables that had and unberella over the top and the
whole table plus the unberella had holes all over that looked like a checker board
but the holes were small. We all sat at the table with confused amused faces on
because we didn't know where to start it was so much to choose from. My cousin stood
up and said, "how about we go in the pool and get ourselves wet so that when we get
on the rides the water wont be cold!" We all agreed. We went in the pool. In the
pool it was this gigantic bucket that filled up and it looked as if it was made out
of wood. Every half and hour after it was done filling the bell would ring, after
about five rings the bucket would tip over and all the water would just fall out on
you. When the bucket tiped over me and all my cousins would run under it and get
splased with all the water. After about letting the bucket fall on us about three
times, we went on some rides. First we got on about four water tube rides. They were
all fun until finally this one ride, the one i had my eyes on all day. First we ran
up about over forty steps to get to the top. When we got to the top we had to choose
six people to get in one tube. Me and my five cousin climbed in one and my other
five cousins got in the other one. The tube that me and my cousins got in was red
and the other tube that my other cousins got in was white. They were round tubes
they had twelve handles on them for the six people to hold on to and it was certain
seats you had to sit in. We went to the edge and the life gaurd had to push us.
Down, down, down, we went whoosh, sploosh, sploosh, the sounds went as we hit the
corners. Here comes the water falls, screems of six people came from our tube. then
we heard five screems come from the other tube that held the rest of my family.
Then "boom", soon as we hit the last corner the tube flipped over. My cousin grabbed
the tube and we all got back in. But wait, here comes the other tube that my other
cousins were in. "Boom", we crash it was so fun, i fell into her, then she fell on
me, then he fell into them. It was a terrible fun mess. We all got back up and got
back into our tubes. We went to the end where a pool of water was and we turned the
tubes over again. This time we all fell under the water. When we got out the gaurd
with the yellow life jacket on the red bathing suit under it and the pony tail in
her hair said, "If you guys flip the tubes over again you will have to get off the
ride for good. We did it about three more times until we got put off for good. After
that we went back on the tube rides that we went on before we got on that fun one.
The only thing was that we couldn't flip over because the one we fliped over on was
the biggest. After that we decided to go on the beach. After we got tired if the
seagels taking out food we decided to go to the bus and just talk about our
wonderful day at wildwood. Even though we got kicked off the ride we still had a
ball and had a story to tell everytime we got back together.
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3 comments:
1.the part of the opening that grabs my attention is the descripitive explanations of what she sees.
2.yes i do think she uses vivid details " Passing all the green tress and pretty
summer flowers"."whoosh, sploosh, sploosh, the sounds went as we hit the "Boom", we crash,the tube screems of six people came from our tube. then
flipped over,
4.yes she do have a inventive ending she talks about how every time they see each other they can talk about this
5.my favorite part was when she talks about how they fell and kept flipping the tubes over.
6.this could be improved by correcting all mechanical errors and just writing instead of using all sensory details.
corners"."the gaurd
with the yellow life jacket on the red bathing suit under it and the pony tail in
her hair said".
3.yes she does use vivid verbs
1. Yes, because it starts as like a third person narrator and I didn’t expect that to be there and in the beginning it has descriptive details.
2“yellow bus with black writing” “blue tubes” “went around with curves
3. “curly ponytail” “curved screws” “whoosh, sploosh, sploosh,”
4 Yes, because it like a relif ending that when something went wrong they still had lots of fun at the end.
5. My favorite part was when they got kicked off the ride by flipping because I always do that and I know how fun it was.
1. The opening grabs my attention because it says, "Are we there yet," and it makes me think she’s going somewhere.
2. The author does uses vivid phrases so I can picture the scene, like when she described the bus. She said, “Riding on the yellow bus with the black writing on it. Or when she talked about the water rides. She said, It was a blue tube that went around in curves, had a lot of
screws, one part had a tunnel where it looked like inside was all dark and it was so big.” Another one was when she described the water ride sign. She wrote, “the biggest sign that had "water rides" really big. It had designs of splashes of water, they looked 3D and the writing was in blue and black.”
3. She used words like, walked, flipped, and grabbed.
4. I think the author had a good ending.
5. My favorite part of the story was when she talked about her and her cousins being on the ride and them flipping over. That sounded like fun.
6. I think she should have talked more about wildwood, instead of wasting her time the beginning because the middle part about the ride was the best part to me.
xoxoxo_____nashai
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