Kyle Sanders period 6
October 17, 2007
By: Kyle Sanders
Creative Writing
The Day I Lost a Friend
Why…Why...WHY God! Why did it have to happen to him? My mother screamed out in pain. Today is April 8th my little brother birthday and funeral. “I swear to god I swear!” That’s my younger cousin screaming in a furious deep voice. As I walked up to see my brother lying there in a black suit and a white rose between his hands.
This is the worst day of my life I have to see not only my brother, but my best friend dead, my beautiful mother crying her heart out my aunts and uncles dressed in black, my cousin with shirts that say rest in peace “Kidd” Kannonz till’ the grave. “I can’t believe this I lost my friend” my cousin starts off by saying with tears running down his face, his voice cracks as he said that “Kyle wasn’t a bad person he was funny, wise, and.............” he pause and began to break down and cry again.
When the pastor was done given us the “word” from the bible, Boy 2 Men came and song “Its so hard to say goodbye” and turn on a classic song by Biggie Smalls an historical rapper that my little brother look up to, that song seem to change the whole mood of the church. I didn’t really cry at the funeral even thought I lost a friend because I knew my little brother was going to be cool because being cool was his style.
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1 comment:
Kyle,
Your narrative starts off strong, but you seem to rush through it. You need to give more details.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 4
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 2
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 2
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
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-5
77.5%
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