Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Nelson Hollerway Period 2

Bang-Bang

Nelson Hollerway
“This is your 9-1-1 operator, how can I help you?”
“My mom um she’s bleeding really bad….”
“Okay what is your address?”
“I—it’s 1834 Creek Ct.”
Every kid learns to dial 9-1-1 from their parents and teachers. Most kids never dial 9-1-1, but my sister and I were luckless enough to have to. My mother was shot two times once in the stomach and once in the lower arm. I called the police and did everything my mom told me to do before they came. She told me to call my grandmother and I did. My “Grandma Janis”, as I called her, showed up in the nick of time and picked up me and my sister up from our mother’s two bedroom apartment and drove us to the hospital that my mom was being treated at.
It was warm fall day, the sun was bright and the afternoon was beautiful. My sister and I were outside playing on our little tyke’s jungle gym. We heard several loud sounds coming from inside our white town house apartment. Both of us ran back to the house to see what was going on only to find our mom lying on the couch with a bible in her hands. There was blood everywhere. She told me to call 9-1-1. After I got off the phone with operator I asked her what happened and she told me that someone broke in our house. She told the anonymous robber to leave and that she wouldn’t call 5-0. She said after that the culprit pulled out a gun and shot at her four times. She was shot twice and grazed by one of the other bullets. The other bullet went through the wall. My mother didn’t know who it was that broke into our house. She later found out that it was her jealous her ex-boyfriend. He turned himself in when he found out that she was in critical condition. My sister and I stayed with my grandmother for about a week. When the bull was tried he was deported back to Trinidad, his home country. My mom was in Virtua Hospital in South Jersey, and she was released in a few days and we all stayed at my Grandma’s house until my mom fully recovered from her stomach wound.

6 comments:

Leo Mullen said...

christina j

the opening was very intersting the vivid details that i liked are the description if the bullet wound from your mother. some things that could use improving are you're ending but overall it is good

Leo Mullen said...

wow nelson hows ur mom now and how r u i couldnt imagine how scary that could have been.
DEzzie

Leo Mullen said...

Shana Earley
Creative Writimg
Period 2

Peer Review Questions


#1.What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?

The immediate use of dialogue is what grabs my attention. I wanted to know why he was calling the police.

#2.Does the autor use specific, vivid phrases that enables you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.

He uses a fare amount of vivid phrases. I think that he could have been more descriptive with the actual incident. Examples: “...outside playing on our little tykes jungle gym”, “ It was a warm fall day, the sun was bright and the afternoon was beautiful’”, and “...lying on the couch with a bible in her hand”.


#3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.

He doesn’t use many

#4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.

The ending could have been more creative. He only said that his moms ex-boyfriend got deported but . He could have talked more about what happen to him and maybe his mothers recovery.

#5. What was your favorite part?

i like how he described his mother laying ther bleeding holding a bible. it showed how much she was into her religion, which may have been the reason for her survival.

#6. How could this narrative be improved?


He could have used more dialogue and descriptive phrases

Leo Mullen said...

Nelson,
You need to build up to your mom getting shot. Create more suspense. Don't give it away so soon.

Leo

Leo Mullen said...

OMG!!!! HOWS UR MOM..LIKE IS EVERYTHING OK WITH UR MOM..BUT I LIKED UR ESSAY VERY TOUCH N
NICE JAWN ;)

Leo Mullen said...

1.The opening of his story grabbed my attention immediately. I liked the way he started out. It was almost like I was reading a story from a book or movie..
2.yea he does use vivid phrases. Like it was a sunny warm day…and bright in the afternoon was beautiful. My sister and I were outside playing.
3.after reading his essay I didn’t come across any direct verbs.
4.The ending wasn’t really inventive to me. It seems like he did not know what else to say to close his conclusion.
5.My favorite was when he was dialing 911 like his mother said. I thought that was real mature of him
6. This narrative could improve on the conclusion by telling more of what happed after the whole incident and tell if your mom is doing well.