FIRST OUTSIDE FIGHT
The police lights were flashing. The cops were talking to neighbors who watched the events take place. The cops were trying to calm my mom down. The cops were trying to calm my grandmom down. The block was turned into a boxing ring, filled with seven fighters, a few drunk old heads from the bar, and a bunch of drunk neighbors.
The day started out as a nice fall day. Thousands of leaves were blowing up the street in the wind. It was cool enough to wear hoodies, but not cold enough for jackets. It was the perfect day to play football. Me and my group of friends decided to get a game of three on three. It was no tackling involved. Instead we used a method of stop in motion. That means the defender has to stop the person while he/she is motion.
On my team, it was me, my homie Reese, and my homie Lil Corey. We call him Lil Corey, because my brother is Big Korey (with a K). On the opposite team, it was my homie Stacks, my homie DJ, and some boy named Eric. Eric was the tallest boy on the block. So my team had first. The opposite team threw the ball off to my team. Lil Corey got the ball first, because he was fast. He got stopped at our fake first down marker. It was only one first down, because we didn’t use the whole length of my block to play. We just used a telephone pole.
It was first down. I was quarterback, because I had the strongest arm. As I began to hike the ball, I saw DJ playing the back field. It was like he anticipated my receivers were going long. We never new why the quarterbacks would yell out colors and numbers before the hiked the ball, but we did it anyway to make the game more realistic. “Blue nineteen. Blue nineteen. Red, orange, one, two, three, four, five. Hike!” That’s what I said. My receivers went deep. I saw that Reese was in the end zone, wide open. I threw the ball deep. Reese caught it.
Me and my friends decided to celebrate by doing an end zone dance called the “Dirty Bird.” So while we were doing the dance, the football came out of no where and hit me on the side of my head. My face instantly frowned of anger. I asked who did it. Everybody pointed at Eric. At first I was going to go in my house to tell my brother, but I said no. It was my fight. He said, “Go head and cry.” “Shut up” and started charging at him. When I got in front of him, I raised my foot and kicked him in the nuts.
One of my friends went to my house and told my brother I was fighting. He ran outside and clothes lined Eric. Eric fell to the ground and hit his head. Me and my brother stomped Eric using both feet. “You tried to fight my brother? You a stupid nigga.” Eric’s sister just so happened to come outside when me and my brother played hop scotch on his body. She ran up and tried to hit my brother. My brother choked her and threw onto the side of a parked car. I don’t know where Eric’s mom came from, but she slapped me while I continued to kick Eric in his head.
Then my mom came outside. “You not gon put your hands on my son.” My mom hit the lady in the face with her keys. Then she started giving it to her. I went back to Eric, and kicking him again. My grandmom grabbed my brother so he can stop choking Eric’s sister. When he let her go, she fell to the ground, coughing and choking. Then my brother put me over his shoulder and told me to chill. So I chilled. By that time, Eric wasn’t trying to get up. My mom and his mom was still knuckling. My grandmom and two neighbors broke that fight up.
Next thing I know the cops pulled up on the block. They didn’t say anything to me or my brother. I guess it was because I was nine and he was eleven. They didn’t talk to Eric either. He was eleven, just like my brother. All I heard was my mom and grandmom yelling curse words at Eric’s family. Eric’s family was yelling back. The cops were trying to prevent another fight.
So one neighbor who was outside from the beginning told the cop what happened. She was out there before we started to play football. The cops ordered both families in the house. I couldn’t come outside til the next day. When I saw Eric, I thought about throwing a football at him, but I didn’t want to get in trouble. All my friends were talking about what happened. To them the fight was decent. That was my first outside fight.
Posted by Creative Writing at 7:28 PM
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4 comments:
Jasmone` Townes
2nd Period
10.24.07
1. When he was talking about the cops trying to calm his grandmother and mother down.
2. Yes. When he was explaining how he didn’t know why the football players called out those colors and numbers. I could imagine them yelling it over and over, not knowing what they were talking about.
3. I remember one, when his face instantly frowned with anger. He didn’t use many vivid verbs.
4. The ending could have been better but he basically summed up what happened at the end of the fight.
5. My favorite part was when his mom came out and slapped the Eric’s mom from hitting Brandon in the face.
6. The narrative could be improved by putting more vivid verbs in there. But other than that, it was overall creative and interesting.
Star-Aisha Boyd
2nd Period
1. The cops trying to calm his family down.
2. Yes, Brandon made me imagine the fight as if i was apart of it.
3. When he got hit with the ball and when he was helping his brother fight the boy.
4. The ending to me made me want to read more. He left you thinking that somthing is going to happen.
5. My favorite part was when him and his brother was fighting the boy.
6. He could explain how the look on his mother face was when she saw that someone was hitting on her son.
Cassandra
1. Your opening grabbed my attention because I wondered why were police lights flashing and what were the neighbors standing around looking at. So it was good that you opened your story that way because curiosity makes the readers read some more.
2. Yes when you were describing the fight between you and the boy and your mother and his mother. I could picture children fighting and one child mother come out yelling so the other child mother jumps to her child defense. Also the way you described chocking the girl and sent her coughing and gagging.
3. Three examples of you using simple, vivid, and direct verbs are when you said: “My brother choked her and threw onto the side of a parked car.”, “I raised my foot and kicked him in the nuts.”, and “I went back to Eric, and kicking him again”.
4. The ending was not that creative. It was an ending that just closed the story but not in a inventive way.
5. My favorite part was when the fight went from the boy and you to his family v.s. your family because that was the part with the most action.
6. The narrative could have been improved if you would have got into more detail about what happen with the cops when they arrived because you didn’t really say much about what the police did.
Brandon,
Good details and dialogue.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 3
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 4
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 3
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
-5
82.5%
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