Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Kevin F Final Draft

Kevin Forge
10/19/07 Period 6th

Narrative Draft

As I woke myself up, with butterflies tingling in my stomach. Knowing today was

a big step for me and my future. After taking a shower and getting dress, I slowly walk

down the stairs thinking time would also. Next, after eating a bowl of Rice Crispies, I

walk to my dads truck, for he must also go the same way I’m going of how his job is in

center city. As we get there like around 7:40 I look on the internet to see what bus could I

take to go to school. I’ve really didn’t feel like walking that day. So when I have selected

the 61, I left my dads job to go to its stop. I put two dollars in the machine and toke the

front seat cause I was not sure were to get off at. When I sawed the schools building, I

rushed to yanked the string for my stop. As I marched through the doors of adulthood, I

knew that I’ve came here to accomplished tasks and learn what I needed to know to go to

college. When I searched for my tutorial number I knew that it was a hike. Walking stairs

after stairs until I finally got to my destination. The fifth floor was where I had to go. As I

got there, there was complete silence in the room. I took a seat and sitting with a puzzled

face of where do I go next. As my tutorial teacher, who’s yet name I didn’t know, calling

out names and giving out pieces of paper. He answered my question as he called my

name and walking to his desk and receiving my paper. I knew then that it was my roster. I

never had one before so I didn’t know what would happen. I scanned my roster to see

what classes I had to take and I was a little upset of how it was the classes I really didn’t

want. I had no choice, I guess, but to take it. As the first three periods gone by, two in the

auditorium, I felt very bored and hoping that I don’t have to do this again. Between those

periods I made a couple of friends that also didn’t know anyone here. I felt very

welcomed and suddenly my butterflies went away. My fourth period came and it wasn’t

my best subject. I walked into a teacher class named Maureen. She looked very nice

wearing her black short hair down, in some Capri’s, and a lot of jewelry on her. She had

first seem the sweetest teacher I have meet. But I’ve yet to know that she wasn’t. She was

the only teacher I had known that gave out tons of homework on the first day. I guess that

is what high school is all about. After her class, I went to lunch and that most likely

ruined my day. After standing in a long line and getting to sit down to eat for like three

minutes, I thought that this was pathetic. Then, after lunch I had this class. And im not a

very good fan with writing which made me think that I really might do bad in this

subject. Like five minutes had gone by and the worst thing happened to me. My stomach

started to kill. I’ve never felt this much pain in my life. It felt like an alien eating out all

my insides. I got sent to the nurses office. After waiting fifteen minutes in a chair, she sent me

back upstairs to get a note. Then I said “you have a phone though, you can’t call the

office”. Next she said “I can’t help you without a note”. I replied “o my god just call the

office”. Then the nurse said “don’t give me an attitude young man”. I finally said “I’m

not giving you an attitude”. And then I left slamming the door behind me with frustration

and pain walking down the hallway. When I reached to the office, at least there was

someone kind enough to me and let me call my dad to go home unlike somebody. My

dad came and got me out of the school and I was so happy of that. That was the worst day

I’ve ever had in school.

1 comment:

Leo Mullen said...

Kevin,
You write dialogue well; it sounds believable. However, you don’t use many sensory details. Also, you have far too many grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors; they take away from your narrative.

4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely

The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 2

The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 2

The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 2

The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 2

Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
111111111111111
-5

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