Kevin Forge
10/19/07 Period 6th
Narrative Draft
As I woke myself up, with butterflies tingling in my stomach. Knowing today was
a big step for me and my future. After taking a shower and getting dress, I slowly walk
down the stairs thinking time would also. Next, after eating a bowl of Rice Crispies, I
walk to my dads truck, for he must also go the same way I’m going of how his job is in
center city. As we get there like around 7:40 I look on the internet to see what bus could I
take to go to school. I’ve really didn’t feel like walking that day. So when I have selected
the 61, I left my dads job to go to its stop. I put two dollars in the machine and toke the
front seat cause I was not sure were to get off at. When I sawed the schools building, I
rushed to yanked the string for my stop. As I walked through the doors of adulthood, I
knew that I’ve came here to accomplished tasks and learn what I needed to know to go to
college. When I searched for my tutorial number I knew that it was a hike. Walking stairs
after stairs until I finally got to my destination. The fifth floor was where I had to go. As I
got there, there was complete silence in the room. I took a seat and sitting with a puzzled
face of where do I go next. As my tutorial teacher, who’s yet name I didn’t know, calling
out names and giving out pieces of paper. He answered my question as he called my
name and walking to his desk and receiving my paper. I knew then that it was my roster. I
never had one before so I didn’t know what would happen. I scanned my roster to see
what classes I have to take and I was a little upset of how it was the classes I really didn’t
want. I had no choice, I guess, but to take it. As the first three periods gone by, two in the
auditorium, I felt very bored and hoping that I don’t have to do this again. Between those
periods I made a couple of friends that also didn’t know anyone here. I felt very
welcomed and suddenly my butterflies went away. My fourth period came and it wasn’t
my best subject. I walked into a teacher class named Maureen. She looked very nice
wearing her black short hair down, in some Capri’s, and a lot of jewelry on her. She had
first seem the sweetest teacher I have meet. But I’ve yet to know that she wasn’t. She was
the only teacher I had known that gave out tons of homework on the first day. I guess that
is what high school is all about. After her class, I went to lunch and that most likely
ruined my day. After standing in a long line and getting to sit down to eat for like three
minutes, I thought that this was pathetic. Then, after lunch I had this class. And im not a
very good fan with writing which made me think that I really might do bad in this
subject. Like five minutes had gone by and the worst thing happened to me. My stomach
started to kill. I’ve never felt this much pain in my life. It felt like an alien eating out all
my insides. I got sent to the nurse. After waiting fifteen minutes in a chair, she sent me
back upstairs to get a note. Then I said “you have a phone though, you can’t call the
office”. Next she said “I can’t help you without a note”. I replied “o my god just call the
office”. Then the nurse said “don’t give me an attitude young man”. I finally said “I’m
not giving you an attitude”. And then I left slamming the door behind me with frustration
and pain walking down the hallway. When I reached to the office, at least there was
someone kind enough to me and let me call my dad to go home unlike somebody. My
dad came and got me out of the school and I was so happy of that. That was the worst day
I’ve ever had in school.
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5 comments:
1. The opening makes me interested from the jump because he tells me about he has butterflies. ”As I woke myself up, with butterflies tingling in my stomach. Knowing today was”
2.He does use vivid, sensory details like when he said, “wearing her black short hair down, in some Capri’s, and a lot of jewelry on her.” And when he said that his stomach was in pain. He wrote, It felt like an alien eating out all my insides”
3.He does use simple and direct verbs like, yanked, scanned and slammed.
4.His ending is kind of plain. It could have been better.
5.My favorite part was when he was arguing with the nurse and he walked out and slammed the door.
6.The narrative could have had more action.
nashai catlett
1. The opening grabs my attention, because he is explaining how he feels. He says, “He has butterflies tingling in his stomach”, that tells me that something is making him nervous.
2. A. One vivid statement that the narrator uses is he says “ He walked in to the teachers room name Maureen and she had on Capri’s and a lot of jewelry.”
B. Another one is he says “My stomach starts to kill. I’ve never felt this much
Pain in my life. It felt like an alien eating out all my insides.
C. Something else was that he says,” I replied “o my god just call the
office”. Then the nurse said “don’t give me an attitude young man”. I finally said “I’m not giving you an attitude”. And then I left slamming the door behind me with frustration and pain walking down the hallway.
3. A. One example is after taking a shower and getting dress, I slowly walk
down the stairs thinking time would also.
B. Another one is next, after eating a bowl of Rice Crispies, I walk to my dads truck, for he must also go the same way I’m going of how his job is in center city.
C. Something else was when I sawed the schools building, I rushed to yanked the string for my stop.
4. Yes he does he tells us that his dad comes to get him and it was the worst day of his life.
5. My favorite part was when he describes how he feels about his first day of school because I was also nervous.
6. The narrator can improve by giving more descriptions he didn’t use a lot like we were suppose to.
(by:_sharnise dozier_)
1.nothing about his opening grabs my attention except for the fact that he's telling me his daily routine.
2.the author does use vivid phrases [with butterflies tingling in my stomach].[ As I walked through the doors of adulthood,]
[I scanned my roster].
3.the autor does not use vivid verbs.
4.he does not have an inventive ending its very boring.
5.my favorite part was when he said he walked into the adulthood.
6. this narritive could be improved by adding more and use more dialogue and vivid language it was kinda boring.
1.nothing about his opening grabs my attention except for the fact that he's telling me his daily routine.
2.the author does use vivid phrases [with butterflies tingling in my stomach].[ As I walked through the doors of adulthood,]
[I scanned my roster].
3.the autor does not use vivid verbs.
4.he does not have an inventive ending its very boring.
5.my favorite part was when he said he walked into the adulthood.
6. this narritive could be improved by adding more and use more dialogue and vivid language it was kinda boring.
I just posted a comment this was from me Briana Poteat period
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