Bang-Bang is all I hear after I saw the flash of light coming from the barrel of one of the two guns. It about six o-clock and I am bored out of my mind and just as I was about to just go to sleep my cell phone rings. It was my friend Ron, telling me to come out side because he had to tell me something. Ron lives right across the street from me so it took him no time to be at my front door. When I came out I asked him like I was angry what was so important that I had to come outside and hear. Really thinking in the back of my head that I was happy as hell because I was so bored in the house.
So we sat on the step and he told me this whole story about what had happened the day before to these boys around my way. The story was basically about them fighting these other boys who lived not to far away from us. This as he was finishing the story one of the boys who were involved walked up and said what’s up to me and Ron. Then of course me being the person I am I asked Mark, what happened but he didn’t say anything. Then before you knew we were talking about girls and how some of them are gold diggers .
I look at my cell phone and notice it’s eight o-clock and that was getting a little cold outside so I told Ron and Mark that, I would be right back I was going to get a hoodie. We I was coming out of door I saw this gray car with tinted windows ride up my block. The thing was I had noticed that same car a few times early that day but didn’t say anything. So when I sat back on the steps I said something about the car, and my friends said they had noticed it to. I said who do you think it is, Mark said its probably one of them village niggers. With that said your right you know they don’t have a lives, Ron laughed and shook his head agreeing with me.
I notice two males coming around the corner out of the corner of my eye but never really pay full attention to them until it was to late. I look up and see two guns point from across the street at me, Ron and Mark. Then Mark turns around from were he was sitting in front of my porch in and, looks and that’s when I see the flash of light from the gun. Right after that first shoot, Mark was grabbing, Ron and in the same motion pushing me further back on the steps by falling on me. While Mark and Ron got off me, and went for my front door, I could feel the metal from the bullets after it hit my brick wall and shattered falling on me. By the time we got in the house the shooting was over, but you could tell my friend Mark that. I say that because when we got in the house he didn’t get off the floor until he got to the back of my house.
After everything happened my friend Mark was so scared he move from around were we lived and he even went as far as to cut his hair he had braids. I also found out that what ever kinds of guns that the two males had they empted their clips on us mean they empted their guns of all the bullets.
I later discover all the bullets house in my house and that one of the bullets that could have killed us could have killed my neighbor. From what the cops told my mom and dad the bullet went throw the couch he was lying on and missed his head by a couple of inches. That’s not the crazies thing that happened the cops ever find out who did it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
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1 comment:
Did time pass between your first and second sentences? If so, new paragraph. It’s confusing the way you have it written. You have way too many grammatical errors. They detract from a very engaging narrative.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 3
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 4
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 2
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 3
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
-5
80%
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