Randy Shuler
10/19/07
Period 6
Mr. Mullen
The clock was running out 12...11...10 the game was tied 30- 30, 9...8...7 and it was the
Trojan’s ball. The point guard had the ball and I was guarding him, Then I heard Coach B
scream out," GET THE BALL RANDY," so as soon as I heard him I dived for the ball and
stole it. 6...5...4, I saw Chris all the way down the court by himself. I threw the ball all the way
down the court the ball looked like a shooting star and…
This was going to be the biggest game of our 12 and 13 year-old lives. The Rocks V.S.
The Trojans. We were both 7-0 and were the best two teams in the league and we were about
to prove who was better on Saturday. We were practicing hard for this game we wanted to win
so bad but, coach b wanted the win even more. We were practicing every drill. Dribbling,
passing, running, jump shots, and layups. Everyone was doing good except Chris. He wasn’t
good at basketball at all. Every game he would do something wrong for example, he would get
fouled out the game, or he would guard the wrong person. Then when practice was over I went
over to Chris and said," Your going to do good this game," and he said," No I’m not" and me
and him practice for another hour so he could get ready.
Today was the big day, and it was raining pigs and elephants that day. The crowd was full of
loud moms, and crazy dads. We were ready to take this win. When we put our hypnotic blue
jersey and short, coach b said," Listen guys, before we start this game all I wanted to say is, I
don’t care about the win all I care about is if yall have fun." I could tell he was lying but, it sure
made us feel better. The game was about to start in a couple minutes and coach b called out the
starting five he wanted on the court Jermaine as power forward, Miles as small forward, Isaiah
as center, Will as shooting guard, and me as the point guard. We all jogged to the court Isaiah
was going to do the jump ball. While we were waiting for the referee to set the clock to 10:00
the point guard came over to me and said," You can’t stick me young bull," and I looked at him
and said, "You crazy if I can’t." Then the referee came back, when he blew the whistle Isaiah
jump higher than the clouds to tap the ball towards me and he did.
I had the ball and I was looking to see if somebody was opened then I saw Jermaine waving his
hands so I passed it to him and he scored the easy shot. The first half was going good the score
was 15- 6 we were winning and I had five of those points we had but, the only thing was wrong
was I had three fouls already. Coach b came to me and said," good job out there Randy but,
stop fouling everybody ok, "I was so tired and soaked with sweat I couldn’t even talk so I just
nodded my head yes. We had five minutes to rest and the whole time I tried to catch my breath
and to drink a lot of the red Gatorade that was colder than ice its self.
The second half started, "another ten minutes," I was thinking when I got up from the
bench slowly as I jogged to court. It was the Trojan’s ball and they looked recharged now.
When they got the ball down the court they made a three pointer in Will’s Face and stole the
ball when we were in bounding the ball and got fouled and made the extra shot and there free
throw. That was a six point play in under two minutes, coach b was furious we called time out.
I was thinking, "Yes, im finally going to get a substitution," I was wrong he made everybody get
out except me. I was about to just drop to the floor like a bag of bones. I tried to ask coach b if I
could take a brake but he pushed me out to the court and I almost tripped over my own feet.
The score was 15- 12 now with 8:24 left in the game. After a while I started to feel sick like I
was about to throw up a basketball. When the coach saw me, bend down he called me out.
"Yes, im finally getting out," I was thinking and I ran over to the bench and flopped down and
drank Gatorade. Coach b yelled out the five players that were in the game," Jamil, Mateen,
Bruce, Anwar, and Chris." Once he said Chirs everyone got up and screamed out, "NO, NOT
HIM." I even think people from the crowd said, "NO, NOT HIM, "but coach b was serious.
Chris didn’t get the ball at all and the game was almost over and the score was 30- 26 we were up.
Then only one minute was left on the clock and I got back in for Jamil. Chris was still in
the game I don’t know why but, he was still in. We were trying to hold the ball for the longest
we could we were passing it around then it got to Chris and the point guard stole the ball from
him faster than lighting. Chris tried to go after him but, when he caught up to him he fouled
him on the three-point line and the point guard made the three-pointer." WHAT ARE YOU
DOING CHRIS, "coach b screamed, and they had their foul shout so it was tied 30-30. Even
after that, Chris still was in the game. 20 seconds were left on the clock, and the score was still
tied and the clock was running out . 12. 11. 10, it was the Trojan’s ball. The point guard had the
ball and I was guarding him, Then I heard Coach B scream out," GET THE BALL RANDY,"
so as soon as I heard him I dived for the ball and stole it. 6.5.4, I saw Chris all the way down the
court by himself. I threw the ball all the way down the court the ball looked like a shooting star
and he caught it. He started dribbling down the court fast then when he got close to the court he
stood there. 3.2, Everybody that was in the gym screamed, " TAKE THE SHOT," and he threw
it up. It rattled around like spinning globe then it went in. The whole gym exploded and ran on
the floor to our team. Chris was the hero then I walked up to him and said,"I told you, you was
going to do good this game."
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4 comments:
Peer Review Questions:
1. What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative?
The part that grabs my attention is that it’s a tied game and there is only 12 seconds left on the clock
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples.
Today was the big day, and it was raining pigs and elephants that day.
I threw the ball all the way
down the court the ball looked like a shooting star and
Isaiah jump higher than the clouds to tap the ball towards me and he did.
3. Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples.
I dived for the ball and stole it.
When we put our hypnotic blue jersey
drink a lot of the red Gatorade
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain.
Yes because the beginning is also the end.
5. What was your favorite part?
When the boy made it to the court and the clock was on 3 seconds left.
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions.
I noticed a few spelling errors.
Charnice Barrett
Peer Review Questions:
1. The thing that grabs my attention and draws me into the narrative
Is that it says how something is running out of time and it keeps you guessing that what one thing that is having him is so focused and concerned.
2. The author uses vivid phrases so that I can see what is going on rather than the author just telling me. Some examples are:
“It was raining pigs and elephants that day”
“I was about to just drop to the floor like a bag of bones”
“the ball looked like a shooting star”
3. The author uses simple, direct, and vivid such as
Hypnotic blue jersey
Tap
Screamed
4. The narrative did use an inventive ending because it says how everything at the end went good because I never would’ve never expected Chris to win because in the begging of the story it said Chris was a bad basketball player, but it turns out he was the hero and won the game at the end.
5. My favorite part was when the coach had put Chris into the game because I was like no why would he do that is he knows Chris was a bad basketball player but it turns out in the end everyone was wrong because he saved the game for the team when he made the shot and the team won.
6. This narrative could be better by using better sensory details and give more thoughts to what he says as if for instance he could use more verbal details. Other then that this was a good story.
Kelly Nguyen
1.What about the opening grabs your attention and draws you into the narrative? The clock was running out 12...11...10 the game was tied 34- 34, 9...8...7 and it was the because he makes me want to know what he’s counting down for
2. Does the author use specific, vivid phrases that enable you to see what is going on rather than the author just telling you? Cite three examples. Yes , as I heard him I dived for the ball and Dribbling, passing, running, jump shots, and lay ups and loud moms, and crazy dads.
3.Does the author use simple, direct, and vivid verbs? Cite three examples. Hypnotic blue , It rattled around like spinning globe then it went in. and The whole gym exploded
4. Does the narrative have an inventive ending? Explain . Yes because he goes back and get a sentences from the story
5. What was your favorite part? Yes, im finally getting out," I was thinking and I ran over to the bench and flopped down and
drank Gatorade. Coach b yelled out the five players that were in the game," Jamil, Mateen,
Bruce, Anwar, and Chris." Once he said Chirs everyone got up and screamed out, "NO, NOT
HIM." I even think people from the crowd said, "NO, NOT HIM, "but coach b was serious.
6. How could this narrative be improved? Don’t criticize, but rather give helpful suggestions. You could have used more transition words
Randy,
This is one of the best stories from either class all semester. You should be proud of the work you put into it.
4= Strongly
3= Mostly
2= Somewhat
1= Rarely
The opening of your narrative grabs the reader’s attention, draws him or her into the story, and does so in an inventive way. 4
The details that you use throughout your narrative are specific, vivid, and appeal to the senses. 4
The ending effectively wraps up your narrative and has elements of one of the following: surprise, humor, sadness, wonder, anger, frustration, horror, etc. 4
The narrative is representative of the culmination of skills you learned with respect to writing narrative. 4
Conventions
+5= No grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors;
0= Five errors
-5= Ten or more errors
-5
90%
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